Neubooterdammerung, 6: James Barrowman

Scrape the Mould

The Prime Minister has declared,

and she is clear on this,

that we all must play our part

in an effort to eliminate

the increasing problem of food waste.

One step you can take,

and she does this herself,

is simple and effective.

When you unlid a jam or a preserve

to notice a dusty layer of fur,

do not react with horror or disgust.

Simply keep calm and remove

the mould with a gentle scrape.

To feast on the jam protected underneath

which remains perfectly safe.

Scrape it away!

And all will be well.

Pay no mind to the swelling of hyphae,

that forms the base of the mycelium.

Forget any risk of ergotism or botulism.

Scrape away those asexual spores!

Feast on that delicious jelly,

only enhanced by the subtle notes

of sedimentary mycotoxin growth.

After all, our head of state does it all the time,

and shows no sign of weakness,

trouble speaking, or blurred vision.

The Conservatives have had great success

in scraping away slime,

the country’s mould

is rest assured,

firmly in remission.

Scrape away the colonies of fungus from your marmalade!

And do your country proud.

As we scraped away our colonies of old,

leaving only a devoted commonwealth.

Pay no mind of the outliers that remain

forget Gibraltar, Bermuda,

Conidia, and Anguilla.

Simply feast on our shared prosperity.

Scrape away the glamour of social reform!

From the fertile fields of Blair.

Lay Tin City asunder now on sides sair.

Scrape away the ceilidhs,

the storytelling and the feasts,

make sure you don’t miss

that piano in the recreation room.

Demolish and replace it

with a campsite without care.

Consume just the cheap labour

and exploitation that we share.

Scrape away those European workers!

Put up barriers or deport.

Charge a hefty application fee

for the Poles, simultaneously here

to take our jobs and scrounge our dole

Pay no mind to the fruit and veg

rotting on the vines

lying putrid in its holes.

Feast on the delicious jam

that goes unpicked

no longer able

to export, or import.

Prepare yourself for upcoming constitutional changes

think twice about stockpiling food and medicine

and as your pantry grows with jars and jars of jam

the mould has declared:

turn your back and I will spread

turn your back and I will spread


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