Scrape the Mould
The Prime Minister has declared,
and she is clear on this,
that we all must play our part
in an effort to eliminate
the increasing problem of food waste.
One step you can take,
and she does this herself,
is simple and effective.
When you unlid a jam or a preserve
to notice a dusty layer of fur,
do not react with horror or disgust.
Simply keep calm and remove
the mould with a gentle scrape.
To feast on the jam protected underneath
which remains perfectly safe.
Scrape it away!
And all will be well.
Pay no mind to the swelling of hyphae,
that forms the base of the mycelium.
Forget any risk of ergotism or botulism.
Scrape away those asexual spores!
Feast on that delicious jelly,
only enhanced by the subtle notes
of sedimentary mycotoxin growth.
After all, our head of state does it all the time,
and shows no sign of weakness,
trouble speaking, or blurred vision.
The Conservatives have had great success
in scraping away slime,
the country’s mould
is rest assured,
firmly in remission.
Scrape away the colonies of fungus from your marmalade!
And do your country proud.
As we scraped away our colonies of old,
leaving only a devoted commonwealth.
Pay no mind of the outliers that remain
forget Gibraltar, Bermuda,
Conidia, and Anguilla.
Simply feast on our shared prosperity.
Scrape away the glamour of social reform!
From the fertile fields of Blair.
Lay Tin City asunder now on sides sair.
Scrape away the ceilidhs,
the storytelling and the feasts,
make sure you don’t miss
that piano in the recreation room.
Demolish and replace it
with a campsite without care.
Consume just the cheap labour
and exploitation that we share.
Scrape away those European workers!
Put up barriers or deport.
Charge a hefty application fee
for the Poles, simultaneously here
to take our jobs and scrounge our dole
Pay no mind to the fruit and veg
rotting on the vines
lying putrid in its holes.
Feast on the delicious jam
that goes unpicked
no longer able
to export, or import.
Prepare yourself for upcoming constitutional changes
think twice about stockpiling food and medicine
and as your pantry grows with jars and jars of jam
the mould has declared:
turn your back and I will spread
turn your back and I will spread
